So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
