Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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