My nipple is on Facebook.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
