I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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