im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
