my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
