She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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