I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
