just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
