I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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