dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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