I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
