you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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