I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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