hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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