I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
