I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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