it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
