The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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