just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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