and she was petting her beer can
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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