i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
