So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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