Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
