Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
