we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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