There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
