Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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