you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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