proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
we're so committed to being not committed
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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