I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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