I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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