I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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