omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
