you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
