Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We are all done wearing pants today
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
