But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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