watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
