hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
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Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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