I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
