and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
