her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I will die if light touches me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
