Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
