I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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