I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
