Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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