I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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