I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
