if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
did you just send me my own nude
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
