the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
