They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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