I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
