What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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