i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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