Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
