somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
