she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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