Dual....:-)
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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